07
Aug
09

Bella Swan:Kidnapper By Kambriarain

Bella swan:Kidnapper
Bella Swan:Kidnapper

hmmmm I read that when I saw it on the Twilighted boards and in my head I said PASS, NO THANKS.

WHYYYY??? Well ’cause I did not like the title. I thought, in my head of course, (ok ok those who know me realize I was actually talking OUT LOUD to myself like the crazed doofiss I am) “WHY the Fuck would I want to read something where sweet little Belliboo goes off and kidnaps Eddiekins??”

What kind of a twisted Fuck writes about Eddieboy getting kidnapped by Bella?

So I skipped it

and THEN I was skyping with my psycho friend Molls (you all probably know her as Anomaly and I probably spelled that wrong but you get the idea)

So, we are chatting and I was all down in the dumps from reading too many angsty fics our convo went something like this:

Molls: Hoor WTF is your problem?

Sue: I need some funny all this angst is driving me battier than normal

Molls: Read this BS:K

Sue: what the fuck ?? I do not wanna read about kidnappers I got enough of that shit on my list it is starting to creep me out

Molls: dingbat it is FUNNY not sad or angsty FUNNY

Sue: No fucking way

Molls: read it hoor

Sue: yes mommy

OK OK so that is probably not how the convo went. She and I swear a LOT more and call each other worse things than dingbat.

I am Molls’ Bitch.
She knows it.
I accept it.

I AM SO HAPPY I listened to Molls. I even went so far as to tell her she was RIGHT!!!

PUBLICLY

I know I was shocked too (oh wait, I told her she was right on Skype I told her publicly she was right about another fic)

BUT THAT IS NOT MY POINT I SWEAR

(you know I will get there!)

THAT is how I stumbled upon this tale of kidnapping. So this is how the fabulously funny Kambria describes her story:

Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.

Complete – Twilight – Rated: M – English – Romance/Humor – Chapters: 23 – Words: 82,556 – Reviews: 3445 – Updated: 6-27-09 – Published: 5-15-09 – Bella & Edward
SO see why I resisted!!
BUT ON a more serious note
THIS STORY WAS SO DAMN GOOD !! I, Yes ME, SUE, avoided updates till I was done
I read it from beginning to end in one day
I fucking fell in love
and not just with Eddiekins
Of course I want Eddieboy
I want this Eddieboy
BAD
BUT BELLA HOLY FUCKING BALLS
BELLA (yes I am shouting damnit!!!! no Molls I will not shut up!)
THIS Bella is really seriously the way Bella should be. Funny, smart, not afraid to take and give a little shit, talented, and her OWN woman !! (WOOOOHOOOO)

Sure she has some small insecurities, but who doesn’t? Her insecurities do not cripple her. They do not send her into that stupid ass cowardly catatonic state. NOPE when this Bella gets insecure she lands on the FIGHT side of Fight or Flight

GO BITCH!!
and Eddie
HOLY HELL Eddie
He is not a brooding Emo asshole (THANK YOU FOR THAT!! KAM!!)
He is hot, funny, sexy, employed and *sigh* perfect for me!!!
He gives as good as he gets
SOOOOO
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
Bella moves to a new small town. She is a single mom of this cool as hell kid. She does not know who his Daddy is. (no she is not a whore. You will find out WHY she has no clue who the baby daddy is by reading the story. she is no priss. She was not raped. It is such a cool thing you must read it cause it cracked me up!)
OK Bella new town, out grocery shopping with her kick ass kid
She sees this chicklet being a bitch to two kids
The kids are NOT happy
SO Bella saves the day….kinda she shoves the hoor into her trunk grabs the kids and runs off
OF COURSE she calls their Dad
and THIS is where the hilarity starts
OMFG
Eddiekins fabulous in all his fury and irritation
Jacob as a cop
irritating chicks trying to snag the last of the single wealthy Cullens
Bella being Bella
A BALL PIT IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT!!! I WANT ONE !!! HAVE SOMEONE CONVINCE MY HUBS THAT WE NEED THIS MORE THAN HIS OLD WEIGHTS THE HE DOES NOT BOTHER TO USE!!
AND THE NEIGHBORS
omg
OMG
omg
O..M…F…G…
The neighbors
Bella has a delinquent for a sister

AND this is a completed fic DONE ALL THE WAY TO THE END no waiting for you impatient folks who hate waiting for updates…..

and the list goes on and on so I will STFU
So here is my fucktabulous interview done in my awesome hard hitting journalist style!!

What was your motivation for the story?(anyone else notice that I use the same Qs over and over and over again?? just curious I want better ones but I can’t come up with anything so for now these work!)
I just wanted Bella to do something crazy, and she needed a sidekick, so Leo was born (named after a teenage Mutant Ninja turtle GO FIG!!) I figured the story wouldn’t be complete without Edward, so one thing led to another and she was running off with his kids. I can’t explain how my mind works. It just gets away from me sometimes. Crazy fanfiction stories are the result.


Is there anything you want readers to know specifically?

Yes! A few people think that maybe the kids in this story are too smart for their ages. My sister-in-law would be offended. She has worked very hard to brainwash her children, and I have worked equally as hard to corrupt them.. The combination of the two give us Leo, Ethan, and Sophie. I am with you on this my kids outsmart me ALL the time

WHY should readers read your story?

Most of our favorite stories have a lot of heartbreak and angst, and some of us get really into them. When you get to the point where you’re bawling over a breakup or ready to throw your laptop through a window because of someone’s vicious version of Tanya, you can take a break and read Bella Swan: Kidnapper. It will give you a few laughs and some of those warm fuzzy feelings, and then you can face the drama again.
Do you have kids and if so how much money do you owe them for the swear jar?
I don’t have kids. I have an army of nieces and nephews. We have a pretty sweet deal. I teach them how to get out of certain troubles, and they don’t charge me when I let a swear word or two slip.

OK did any of these events really happen?

Yes! The things in this story that most people find unbelievable are the ones that I pulled from real life. Growing up, I did have a ball pit in the basement. Itching powder exists and it’s a pain in the ass. The fat ass horn was originally a dumb ass horn that my siblings and I had made for our oldest brother’s birthday.

I love your Edward and I want one is there a REAL life equivalent?

I’m looking for the real life equivalent. I’ve found one similar. He’s really good with kids, but he doesn’t have any of his own, so I’m going to kidnap his dog instead. I’ll let you know how that works out.

I know that authors picture their characters in their head. Do you have anyone special in mind for Edward Bella and the gang? I mean anyone we would recognize??

Hmm… The characters are blurry in my head. As far as dadward though, I did get inspiration from Jude Law’s character in the movie The Holiday.(SIGH Sue fucking LOVES that movie) My mind merged him together with Rob Pattinson. It was a nice combination. Yes dear I agree that is a very NICE combination

And  one last question and I will leave you alone …or maybe not …can I be your Bella when I grow up?

Of course you can. The first step is getting knocked up by a mystery man. Have fun. hmmmm umm tempting as that sounds… no thanks 5 kids is enough for me ….but I will take your Edward ….

____________________________________

OK so there it is IF YOU like me was stupid enough to pass up this awesomeness of hilarity then do not dawdle go fucking read it!!!

Molls is good. Molls does not steer us wrong.

THIS lovely Button was made by the VERY bored Tanja (AKA Little_White_Lies) She posted it on the board and I am posting it here!!


NOW for next week I am still debating what I will write about. Since we did the funny this week, I am thinking about doing some fics that are NOT for all readers. Fics that make most folks uncomfortable Fics that should come with warnings, and these fics DO come with warnings….

ALSO
My puter is on it’s last legs, by last legs I mean that I have no clue if it will last long enough for me to find out all my passwords today. SOOO IF I am late getting a post out to you all by Monday you know then that I am not a failure it was my computer that jizzed and DIED on me from the massive amount of RobPorn I look at…..

AND
The contest details for the Geekward/Nerdella contest are still being worked out!! Molls and I have been discussing it in earnest and we almost have everything hammered out. SO soon we will get the info to everyone who is interested in giving us some hawt geeky action…..(I am so fucking excited for this!!)

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5 Responses to “Bella Swan:Kidnapper By Kambriarain”


  1. 1 handiangel
    August 7, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Literally just finished BS:K and it was awesome. So funny. So happy you recc’d it for me on Skype! Definitely worth a read if you need a laugh, and it’s a really quick read too!

    Thanks Sue!

  2. 2 German_Girl
    August 8, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Yay!!! You finally recommened a story I actually read and even finished BEFORE you even started it!!!
    Really great and funny story after all the angsty ones I read!

    Can’t wait what fic you’ll rec on Monday altho I now you’ll probably talk about it on Skype before… =)

    • 3 German_Girl
      August 9, 2009 at 7:40 am

      So, I was bored today and needed a challenge, thats why I tried to make a button for the story…

      [url=http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5062719/1/Bella_Swan_Kidnapper][img]http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt260/Everyones_At_It/BS-K.gif[/img][/url]

  3. 4 IChimpz
    August 11, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    Hi! So, I read this fic, and it was amazing. I agreed with what you said, it’s really a great story, and really good for when you need a laugh. One of the reasons I’m commenting though is I have a few points I’d like to makre, tips really. It’s just it was really hard to read. If I could offer some tips, it’d be to check over spelling & grammar. Also when you’re doing an interview to label who is talking or Q&A. But I love the addictude of it, and the interview, story, & author is wonderful. 🙂

    IChimpz

  4. 5 SpellCheckerExtraordinaire
    August 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Interesting comments, IChimpz. While we appreciate constructive critcism, specifics are much preferred. Also, in the future, perhaps when commenting you might want to do so in English (i.e. makre, addictude). It would assist you in validating your point.

    Thanks again,
    The Management


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