I came up with this poll as a SERVICE to our friends the authors the people who create the stories that I love to read
The people who spend their spare time coming up with my excuse for not cleaning my house
The dear sweet angelic darlings who entertain my lazy ass with their marvelous tales of romance, lust, love, and forbidden shit

I love FF and I have had tons of fun chatting with various authors about FF. I have also talked (excessively) with my assorted BBR hoors(for those that do not know the BBR is one of the boards over at Twilighted we renamed it BOOM BOOM ROOM just go to Eyecandy then Robert Pattinson to find out WHY we call it the boom boom room yeah ) So my BBR hoors and I were chatting and we came up with a list of something close to 30, YES, 30 catch phrases in FF that irritate us.

We narrowed the list down, and that is what you saw in the Poll. This was not done scientifically, damnit it is just a thing for fun.

MOLLS and I decided to do the POLL analysis for this post today…..
what a pretentious sounding title “The POLL analysis” but “me and molls hanging out bullshitting on Skype for like 2 hours last night” was too long in my opinion !

NOW I am posting the skype chat between us. Yes we were talking and typing at the same time. My kids were also tearing the house apart. So you will actually see some of the antics they get into during the course of the chat I had to take a few breaks to be mommy…AND NOW

THE ANALYSIS (cause I cannot top Molls and me talking for funny!) ENJOY!!

Sue::: OK so first on our annoying list going in no particular order
Sue::: She’ll be the death of me ..or any variation
Sue::: *rolls eyes*
Mols::: hahaha
Sue::: and Rolls eyes should have made the list too
Mols::: That one doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers you.
Mols::: Only because I say it. A fucking lot.
Sue::: well it is one thing to say things like that once in a fic
Sue::: but one or more times aggravates
Sue::: you’ll be the death of me
Sue::: he’ll be the death of me
Sue::: DROP DEAD ALREADY
Mols::: Gimme an example
Sue::: ummm shit
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: you expect me to remember all of them
Mols::: I don’t think I’ve ever seen it more than once.
Mols::: hahaha
Mols::: Okay, so “Popping the P”
Mols::: OMFG. That fucking shit drives me gawt-damned nutzoid!!!
Sue::: maybe it is regional ?
Sue::: one thing to see it in the book
Sue::: but really now
Sue::: EVERY STORY
Mols::: It could be regional, but I think it got used once and will NOT. GO. AWAY!
Sue::: but they are copying Twilight
Mols::: I don’t fucking give a hairy rat’s arse.
Mols::: Make it fucking go away!
Sue::: Give the authors a break they are thinking they are being cute they do not know that!!! TONS of authors do not read as much as we do so they have not clue
Mols::: ***Note to all the authors Puhleeeeeaz quit using that shite!
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: refer to the most overused TwiFic catch phrases poll for info
Sue::: OR ask Sue:::
Sue::: or Molls
Mols::: @roselover24 or @anamolly on twitter
Mols::: Next topic Sparkly!!!
Sue::: SPARKLY
Sue::: ugh
Sue::: commonly seen in fics when he comes out of the shower and he is sparkling
Sue::: or in the moonlight and his skin or hair is sparkling
Sue::: or when they go swimming
Sue::: and his skin or hair is sparkling
Sue::: two fics I saw where it worked was Poughkeepsie
Mols::: That shit just takes me straight to “Donnie Darko” & Sparkle Motion doing the dance “Notorious” by Duran Duran
Sue::: it fit his “mental illness” there but I can’t spoil the fic for anyone else
Mols::: Again, it’s not one of my top five (maybe because I haven’t read as much fic as you…) But I read a lot of gawt damned fic.
Mols::: I like the sparkly peen, tho! *squee* Bring that sparkly peen on down!
Sue::: I read one where it worked too Edward was playing Wii Bowling and he was Pro level and he had a sparkly bowling ball
Sue::: OTHER THAN THAT
Mols::: Was it pink?
Sue::: Yes
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: other than that sparkly in reference to Edward is just a drag queen in body glitter!! STOP
Mols::: No! Why the fuck did you just have to go there? I totes need brain bleach. Don’t EVAR do that to my Edward again!!!
Sue::: you do not like sparkly body glitter on your HAwt Bod
Sue::: what if he had tats and body glitter?
Sue::: bwhahaha I AM EVILLLLLL
Mols::: Now that’s just a fucking oxymoron.
Mols::: You fuckin’ suck!
Sue::: Yes I do and I blow too
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: and hubs is happy
Sue::: when he is good
Mols::: Guh.
Mols::: Phreak
Mols::: TMI
Sue::: sorry
Mols::: no you’re not
Mols::: hoor
Sue::: ok snort I am not
Mols::: *giggle snort*
Mols::: Next!!!
Mols::: The fucking bridge of the gawt damned nose
Sue::: And then Edward in a fit of frustration leaned his head down and pinched the bridge of his nose
Mols::: If I read that one more time, I swear to hominy I’ll punch something
Sue::: and then Molls reached over with her loving hands
Sue::: and slapped him upside the head and said
Sue::: DUDE GET ANOTHER FUCKING TICK
Sue::: be different
Sue::: be unique
Mols::: I’ll fucking break that gawt damned nose if I read that one more time.
Mols::: Ugh. Maybe cracking the knuckles or popping the neck.
Sue::: I read a fic where Bella found that annoying and told him he does it ALL the time when he is frustrated
Sue::: The Fan
Sue::: you would not like that fic Molls it has Baseball in it
Sue::: but I fucking love it
Mols::: But please. the only reason your hands should be anywhere near the nose is if you’re gonna fucking blow snot rockets.
Mols::: or picking boogers
Sue::: or pop a zit
Sue::: how come Edward never has acne?
Mols::: And I thought I was gross
Sue::: NOPE
Sue::: I win
Mols::: Edward’s perfect, donchaknow???
Sue::: I have boys
Sue::: OK
Mols::: Yes, bitch. You win
Sue::: I like perfect Edward until goes all Emo annoying
Sue::: I want the Edward from BS K
Mols::: I like a perfect mixture of Emo/perfectness
Sue::: really bad
Mols::: I have a whole list of Edwards
Sue::: well I do not want him to be mary fucking sun shine
Sue::: You have an Edward for all of your moods
Mols::: So many
Mols::: Shit. we went OT.
Sue::: DUH we always do
Mols::: Sorry, guys.
Mols::: Back to the poll.
Sue::: OPPPS
Mols::: “She/He/It’s my life”
Mols::: Come up with something new to reiterate the phrase.
Sue::: YES something different
Sue::: it is ok if used in MODERATION
Sue::: like all of these
Sue::: but that is the KEY WORD
Mols::: Yes or she means THAT fucking much to you
Sue::: MODERATION
Mols::: but please
Mols::: “You’re my life” all the fucking time.
Mols::: *chicken break*
Mols::: *accident break*
Mols::: (Skyping with Sue is loads of fun and there are usually tons of interruptions. The joy of a house full of boys. Better her than me. I’ve just got dogs.)
Sue::: yes
Sue::: baby found the raw chicken thawing for dinner
Sue::: hands are washed now
Sue::: 4 year ran through the house with pinwheel
Sue::: he tripped
Sue::: he is getting a bowl of cereal
Sue::: and MOMMA WANTS A DRINK
Sue::: Thank God for the 9 yr old
Sue::: MICHEALANGELO
Sue::: and I probably spelled it wrong never fear Lisa will fix it!!
Sue::: Why do I find this annoying
Sue::: OK
Sue::: HIs sculpture of David is lovely really it is
Sue::: but to have Edward HUMAN Edward compared to a piece of rock
Sue::: not cool to cuddle a hard as marble dude
Mols::: ((( I don’t really have any qualms with this one so I’m letting Sue::: run wild…)))
Sue::: have you ever cuddled Marble??
Sue::: it is not comfy
Mols::: I wanna cuddle his marble
Mols::: His marble PEEN!
Sue::: I like a little cushion for the pushin
Sue::: WELL if we are talking PEEN then HELL YEAH!!!
Sue::: I will gratefully appreciate that artwork!
Sue::: and loving caress
Sue::: and smooth
Sue::: and rub
Sue::: …..
Sue::: I should stop that
Mols::: Yes
Mols::: you should
Sue::: nah
Sue::: OK
Sue::: moving on
Mols::: Next…
Sue::: (*sigh the peen*)
Sue::: OK
Mols::: Oh, kids… What’s up with not seeing yourselves very clearly???
Sue::: Bella is insecure
Sue::: like all the time
Mols::: Hell, I’m insecure.
Mols::: All the time
Mols::: Wait.
Mols::: Not all the time
Sue::: very few fics where Bella has confidence
Mols::: When I’m drunk – I’m on it
Sue::: BS: K
Sue::: Bella is fucking awesome
Sue::: I am insecure in some areas but it rarely lasts long
Sue::: I guess I cannot sympathize well with a Bella who has NO self esteem
Mols::: I agree. I would like to see more fic where Bella has some gumption about herself.
Sue::: I mean if you sit around and call yourself bland and boring then you WILL BE
Sue::: bland and boring
Sue::: but if you do not like yourself and you have cahones to pick yourself up and DO something to better yourself then you are cool
Sue::: and have Moxy and all that shit
Mols::: For the record I fucking lurved BS: K!
Mols::: It cracked my shit wide open
Sue::: THAT AND if she is so fucking boring WHY does fuckhawt Edward see in her if she is so self demeaning
Sue::: guys dig chicks who got some self esteem
Sue::: BS: K Bella was AWESOME
Sue::: I wanna be her when I grow up
Sue::: mainly for the Ball pit
Sue::: and the Edward
Mols::: You are grown up, hoor.
Mols::: Wait
Sue::: fuck you
Mols::: No you’re not
Sue::: I am not!
Mols::: hahaha
Sue::: that’s better
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: I GOT TIME !!!
Mols::: digress… there we go again
Sue::: There is a better me waiting to be discovered by an EDWARD
Sue::: DAMNIT
Sue::: he will not find my hair dull boring brown
Mols::: Shit brown eyes
Sue::: he will think I am sexy
Sue::: with my bullshit brown eyes
Mols::: Full of shit straight up to the eyeballs.
Sue::: HE WONT PINCH THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE
Sue::: in frustration at my FF fetish
Mols::: You have totes lost it, bitch
Sue::: MY EDWARD DIGS CURVES
Mols::: NEXT!!!
Sue::: and I AM NOT SCARED OF THE BIG PEEN
Sue::: OK OK I will save that for later
Mols::: Don’t get ahead of ourselves, bitch.
Mols::: sheesh.
Sue::: yes mommy
Mols::: That’s better.
Mols::: On to Alice is a pixie
Sue::: WHY
Mols::: a shopaholic pixie
Mols::: omfg
Sue::: Why cant poor Alice be tall??
Mols::: the bitch likes to shop
Sue::: She has a tall personality
Sue::: like ME
Sue::: she likes to shop AND always has money to shop!!
Mols::: we don’t need to hear about it all the fargin time!
Sue::: and I bet she buys fucking ugly shoes like Nikki likes
Mols::: Shopping should not rule her personality.
Sue::: YES
Sue::: OR MAKEOVERS
Sue::: OMG
Mols::: And the fact that she’s short doesn’t not make her a pixie.
Sue::: that poor character
Sue::: I mean she does not have just shopping and makeovers and predicting the future in her repertoire
Mols::: Sheesh. Make Alice a little more interesting. Make her more like Monica from Friends.
Mols::: Just because it’s TWILIGHT FF doesn’t mean that you have to make the characters exactly like they are in the book.
Sue::: RIGHT
Sue::: play with the people a bit
Mols::: Broaden their fucking horizons.
Sue::: again I think it comes down to authors not reading a ton of FF like us so they do not know what is already saturated
Sue::: I know several authors say they do not read FF cause they do not want their fic influenced by others
Mols::: They’re great characters, otherwise we wouldn’t love them so much… But don’t make them all the fucking same. We want fucking variety in our fic, dammit!
Mols::: And on to the next topic
Mols::: Eyes Like Melted Chocolate
Mols::: Hmmm. She’s full of shit all the way up?
Sue::: yup
Mols::: Come on now.
Mols::: I’ve never looked at someone with brown eyes and immediately craved a Hershey bar
Mols::: Think of other ways to describe them.
Sue::: I haven’t either I have brown eyes and I usually get told they are brown cause I am full of bullshit
Mols::: Be original.
Sue::: fitting ?? perhaps
Sue::: YES
Sue::: be original
Mols::: Yes, you’re full of bullshit, Sue
Sue::: Thanks I take it as compliment!
Mols::: Then you’re welcome, I reckon.
Sue::: most guys do not look that deeply into your eyes to find out the color
Sue::: they are usually focused on other …umm assetts
Mols::: TITTAYS!
Sue::: and horny Eddiekins is not different
Mols::: Hooters!
Sue::: HE DIGS THAT TATAS!!!
Mols::: Breastacicles!
Sue::: THE TATAS
Sue::: BOOBS
Mols::: And now
Mols::: Rosalie as an Amazon Goddess
Mols::: Untouchable Ice Queen
Mols::: She’s tall, she’s blonde, she’s built like a brick shit-house.
Mols::: So. Fucking. What.
Sue::: and can kick your ass ten ways to Sunday!
Sue::: Why can’t she be beautiful and built like say
Sue::: Queen Latifa?
Mols::: hahaha
Sue::: WHAT?? I think Queen Latifa is HOT
Sue::: AND she could kick our ass
Mols::: I wasn’t disagreeing, damn it. Calm down.
Sue::: yes dear
Sue::: but it fits
Mols::: Bitch, please. I could kick her ass three ways to next Wednesday.
Sue::: OK she could kick MY ass
Sue::: I would be too busy going fan girl on her
Sue::: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Sue::: like oh my gawd
Sue::: yeah that’s me
Sue::: which is why it good for the world that I live in Northern WI
Sue::: I save people that way
Mols::: But, seriously… it all goes back to expanding horizons. The characters have a wide range of personality disorders to obtain!!!
Sue::: YES making characters more three dimensional
Mols::: Rose needs some fuckin stretch marks and a huge hairy mole on her nose.
Sue::: A good fic that did that for Rosalie was the one with the cupcakes by Sandy….REEL LIFE awesome fucking Fic if you have not read it DEW EET
Sue::: WELL she did not do that to Rose(Sandy would never give Rose a fucking hairy Mole)
Mols::: I did not just type that
Mols::: that was mean of me
Sue::: but she made her loving and snarky
Sue::: and cute
Mols::: I’m a bitch.
Sue::: not bitchy
Sue::: you just got a thing against natural blondes
Mols::: I like snarky Rose
Sue::: who look like Victoria secret models
Mols::: And I don’t have anything against blondes.
Sue::: stereotypes??
Mols::: Are you trying to get me arse kicked?
Sue::: NO
Sue::: Never
Mols::: Hoor
Sue::: not me!
Sue::: teehee
Mols::: Fuck you
Sue::: OK
Mols::: NEXT!!!
Sue::: RIGHT
Sue::: moving ON
Mols::: The electro shock therapy
Mols::: Tingling when they touch
Sue::: *BOYS frosted flakes is NOT a finger FOOD!*(yup that’s me yelling at the kids)
Mols::: I mean, shit. I wish I could find me a fella who made me tingle just by touching me.
Mols::: Wait.
Mols::: Isn’t that what’s technically considered a big old O???
Sue::: YOU know damn well it is NOT her arms that are tingling when she is touching him
Sue::: HELL NO she is having tingles in a different part
Sue::: of her anatomy
Mols::: But seriously… tingles don’t happen. Knocking knees and butterflies in the stomach do.
Sue::: go the shivers
Sue::: not every time
Sue::: right
Sue::: GOT
Sue::: the shivers
Mols::: I mean, yeah… if he’s rubbing my back and hits a ticklish spot, I’m gonna get the tingle/goosebump/shiver thing going on.
Sue::: were they near a horse ranch and he had his foot on an electric fence?
Mols::: But not by just mere touching
Mols::: That’s what you call electrocution, Sue:::
Sue::: OH
Mols::: We’re moving on after I say this The night I met the LOML, I was so nervous that my knees were knocking and I had a serious case of butterflies in the stomach. Be real to life if it’s AU/AH peeps… THAT shit happens.

Mols::: OMFG!!!
Mols::: Next Popping the mother-fuckin’ P!
Mols::: I’ve been waiting patiently on this one
Sue::: we can’t talk about it enough
Mols::: GAWT DAMNEDMOTHERFUCKINPIECEOFSHIT P
Sue::: sounds like someone has a speech impediment(from here on out Sue decided to irritate Molls by POPPING all of her Ps watch as Molls gets Pissed it’s fun!)
Sue::: NO”PAH”
Sue::: YU PAH
Mols::: We do NOT need to know the fucking enunciation of the mother fuckin’ P.
Sue::: peter pepper picked a peck of pickled peens
Mols::: (Can you tell that this one REALLY GRATES MY LAST EVERLOVING nerve??)
Sue::: Not at all
Sue::: NO PAH
Mols::: You fucking suck, Sue:::.
Sue::: tell me how you really feel
Mols::: Just to let y’all in on it..
Sue::: do not hold that shit in
Sue::: it is NOT healthy
Mols::: We’re Skype chatting..
Sue::: Yes we are
Sue::: and I am POPPING ALL MY Ps
Sue::: just to PISS
Sue::: molly OFFFFAH
Mols::: And that bitch is sitting in front of her raggedy assed monitor sitting on a log POPPING GAWD DAMNED P’s AT ME.
Sue::: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sue::: *snort*
Sue::: I am a bitch
Sue::: I like to Push her buttons
Mols::: Fuckin’ hell, Sue That’s almost as bad as the fucking Twin mentioning bloody cupcakes cause Tattward is cuckoo for cupcakes. Dammit.
Sue::: you’re a cupcake
Mols::: Now I want a Cup (pop that fucking p and I’ll go all postal on yer arse) cake.
Sue::: CUPAH CAKE
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: you love me
Mols::: Sometimes I really wonder why.
Mols::: Bitch.
Sue::: I know it’s cause I am so fucking cute
Sue::: yes I am
Mols::: I beg of you, please. With everything that’s holy. Puhleeeeeaze stop popping the mother fucking P! I beg of you.
Sue::: but in every fic where she or he is saying PUH for a P sounds like they need speech therapy
Sue::: OK I’ll stop cause I am annoying myself
Sue::: ONWARD
Sue::: OH HOLY FUCKING CHRIST
Sue::: NOT THIS ONE
Sue::: OH NO
Sue::: Its its
Sue::: its
Sue::: I can’t say it
Sue::: BRIDAL STYLE
Sue::: Not bad in certain instances
Sue::: BUT
Sue::: when he scoops her ass up at the drop of a hat
Sue::: REALLY does this happen IRL a LOT?
Mols::: Honestly, I only think I’ve read it in a few fics… but it drives Sue fuckin’ bat shit nutzoid… Even moreso than she already is.
Sue::: I have inner ear issues and I feel dizzy just thinking about some guy doing this
Sue::: I have seen it in so many fics
Sue::: I mean interspersed here and there but there are fics I have stopped reading cause that boy would not let Bella fucking WALK
Sue::: it’s one thing if she is hurt
Sue::: or they just got hitched
Sue::: or something
Mols::: Just the phrase “Bridal Style” kind of irks me. If the fic is set in 1800s then yeah, maybe it would be appropriate…
Sue::: MUSHROOM RAVIOLI
Sue::: *heavy sigh*
Mols::: Let that bitch eat some fucking lasagne!
Sue::: Or spaghetti
Sue::: or chicken parmesan
Sue::: or baked Ziti
Mols::: Or an antipasto salad
Mols::: Enough with the fucking mushroom ravioli
Sue::: or shrimp alfredo
Sue::: WORD
Mols::: ENOUGH, I say!
Sue::: it is NOT the only Italian dish
Sue::: EYE talin
Sue::: (that is in there merely to annoy Steph )
Sue:::
Sue::: cause I am evvvviiiillllll like that
Mols::: Next!!!
Sue::: MAGNETIC PULL
Sue::: Fits with the tingle thing
Sue::: YUP
Mols::: it’s called ATTRACTION
Sue::: it is not magnets it is HAWT sexual attraction
Sue::: HAWT sex
Mols::: Not a fucking magnet
Mols::: fuckhawt sex.
Sue::: YUP can’t stay away from the POWER OF THE PEEN
Sue::: THAT peen is so big
Sue::: it has its own gravitational pull
Sue::: it calls to her
Mols::: Have y’all read Reality Minus Expectations by MJInaspen? If not, you’re missing out of some FUCKHAWT schmexin’.
Mols::: And no magnetic forces at work aside from the sexual chemistry taking place.
Mols::: And that Bella isn’t a whiny little bitch!!!
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: LOVE her
Sue::: she has her own shit to do!
Sue::: and she does it
Sue::: sure she misses him and all
Mols::: And she does go a wee bit mental
Sue::: but she is not whining and crying in her pillow at night
Mols::: But we all do
Mols::: from time to time
Sue::: just a tad
Mols::: It’s called P to the motherfucking MS.
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: not popping my P there BTW
Sue::: I do not want incur the wrath of MOLLS
Mols::: Female dog
Sue::: anymore
Sue::: you rang dearie?
Mols::: I like how I snuck in that shout-out.
Mols::: I’m sneaky
Sue::: just a tad
Mols::: I rawk
Mols::: hard
Sue::: nice shout out BTW
Sue::: I wanna rec that one next
Mols::: I do what I can.
Sue::: but I need theme for that week
Sue::: and other fuckhawt fics that fit
Mols::: cause you’re a weirdo
Mols::: Fuckhawt fic week
Mols::: Next Released the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Mols::: holy mother of hell.
Mols::: You bitches need to learn how to breathe.
Sue::: OMG you would think they would all turn blue and faint from lack of oxygen
Sue::: everyone is holding their fucking breath!!
Sue::: STOP
Mols::: No fucking shit.
Mols::: For reals.
Sue::: I ignore my kids when they do that shit
Mols::: You’re not Michael Phelps, chirrens.
Mols::: Breathe, Dammit.
Sue::: LOL
Mols::: *giggle snort*
Sue::: you could hit your head and land in the hospital under the care of Dr Hot Bitch
Sue::: wait maybe that is the plan….
Mols::: Oooh. Hot Bitch.
Mols::: Yum.
Sue::: I FUCKING LOVE HOT BITCH
Sue::: YUMMMY
Sue::: we should interview HIM
Mols::: I can’t figure out EP’s hot bitch yet.(EP is Emancipation Proclamation)
Sue::: I could Skype with him forever(I am talking the Pnelli here)
Sue::: do not worry she will fill us in I know she has a PLAN
Sue::: what the plan is I have no clue she would not tell me
Sue::: but that is irrelevant
Mols::: I dig PrinceMobWard.
Mols::: He’s dirty.
Sue::: I love that little shit
Sue::: he is awesome
Sue::: interviewing him was great
Mols::: I’ll do him in MY Volvo!!!
Sue::: yeah you got a Volvo
Sue::: Molls is cool she has a Volvo hatchback
Sue::: just like Edward
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: she got hers first
Mols::: It’s a wagon, not a pussy little hatchback.
Mols::: Get it straight, bitch.
Sue::: whatever
Mols::: Don’t knock on Vera!!!
Sue::: VERA
Sue::: LOL
Mols::: Yes, her name is Vera!
Sue::: I drive the mommymobile
Sue::: mines a minivan
Sue::: not that cool
Mols::: I’m scared of Moms in minivans.
Sue::: you should be
Sue::: I could take out a few Paps in my mini van
Mols::: Those paps deserve to be taken out.
Sue::: would not even notice the front end is all scratched up year old played tic tac toe with a rock
Sue::: seriously
Mols::: hahaha
Mols::: nice
Sue::: I know it is funny now NOT funny then
Mols::: Moving on…
Mols::: The Meadow.
Mols::: Catherine Hardewick fucked up the meadow.
Mols::: And now everyone else is!
Sue::: did you think there were that many secluded Meadows in the US?
Sue::: NO SHIT it was on a fucking golf course
Sue::: with the spinning camera
Sue::: shit
Sue::: in blue light
Sue::: I got dizzy
Mols::: And there weren’t even any mother fucking flowers.
Sue::: oh they had a few
Mols::: It should have been in a wildflower field
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: and bigger
Mols::: Much bigger
Sue::: YES
Sue::: that was not a meadow that was a NOOK
Mols::: lmfao
Sue::: a dent in the golf course
Sue::: OK but in fics
Mols::: it’s soooo overused
Sue::: EVERY TIME they have a secret meadow!!
Sue::: OMG
Mols::: give them a spot on the riverbank
Sue::: his special place
Sue::: WHATEVER
Mols::: or under a bridge
Sue::: or a fallen log
Sue::: or by the train tracks
Mols::: or a cardboard box for chrissakes.
Sue::: YES
Mols::: Not another fuckin’ meadow!!!
Sue::: here wanna see my special place BABY?
Sue::: the closet
Mols::: Might as well throw ‘em in a back yard for all the fuck the bloody meadow is worth.
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: NEXT
Mols::: That bitch just popped another mother fuckin P
Sue::: What did I?
Sue::: shit
Mols::: hahaha
Sue::: sorry
Mols::: crackwhore

Sue::: I was not paying attention
Sue::: WHORE
Sue::: HOOR
Sue::: HOOCH
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: Bella the advanced aged Virgin
Sue::: OK
Sue::: COME ON
Sue::: It is one thing to have her be in high school and still carrying her V card
Sue::: or if it is her choice or whatever
Sue::: BUT she is a beautiful sexy young woman who never found anyone to bone till she was in her mid 30 s and met eddiekins??
Sue::: REALLY?
Mols::: Yeah, I mean. I gave mine up at 18 which was a little old for my time, but still… She ain’t the crazy cat lady, y’all.
Mols::: I can understand it in some fics…
Mols::: But give that bitch some experience.
Sue::: I guess I am the real hooch here I lost mine LONG before
Sue::: well not that long before but lets just say I was …young
Sue::: and ….
Sue::: well young
Sue::: and a HOOR
Sue::: slag whatever
Sue::: at any rate it is one thing if her being a virgin fits her character for instance if she was sheltered as a child
Sue::: or if she made the choice for a reason be it religion or waiting for her true love or whatever but give it a reason besides low self esteem
Mols::: Yeah, what she said.
Sue::: moving on
Sue::: NEXT
Mols::: THE HUGE PEEN!
Sue::: BELLA’s FEAR OF THE HUGE PEEN
Sue::: WHY
Sue::: ???????
Mols::: Seriously.
Sue::: WHY??????
Sue::: I have seen a lot of peen
Sue::: NEVER
Mols::: Do NOT be afraid of the massive cock.
Sue::: NEVER
Sue::: got scared of a big boy
Mols::: Whoever said it’s not the size
Sue::: laughed at a few with TDS (tiny dick syndrome)
Mols::: never got fucked by a massive peen.
Sue::: YESSSSS
Sue::: huge peens are AWESOME
Sue::: OH the things a guy with a huge peen can do !!!
Mols::: Ginormous peen for the mother fuckin’ win.
Mols::: For reals.
Sue::: YUMMY
Sue::: I mean she cant get her hand around it
Mols::: Even if she doesn’t.
Mols::: it’s all good.
Mols::: The vajajay can take it.
Mols::: It’s built for spittin out offspring.
Sue::: but then her hands are always described as SMALL
Sue::: tiny child like etc(This annoys Autumn The author of Cocktails and Dreams)
Sue::: but OH to have a peen you cant fit your hands around
Mols::: Trust me girl, with enough lubrication, you’ll totes fall head over heels for the huge peen.
Sue::: WOOOOOHOOOOOOO
Sue::: OH YESSSSS
Mols::: Yeehaw.
Sue::: ride that disco stick
Mols::: She said stick.
Mols::: heh
Sue::: hand me over the cowboy hat I am going RIDING
Mols::: Save a human, ride a Vampire
Sue::: YUP
Sue::: I held in the P that time
Mols::: She did.
Mols::: I can attest.
Sue::: I was nice
Mols::: for fucking once
Sue::: kiss off bitch
Mols::: *mwah*
Mols::: If I hear core one more fucking time.
Sue::: *MWAAAHHHHHH* I give big wet SLOPPY kisses
Sue::: OH GAWD
Sue::: weird names for girlie bits
Sue::: core
Sue::: wet sex
Sue::: Moist secret cavern
Mols::: Twific is NOT Cosmo’s Joy Of Sex book released in the 1970s.
Sue::: GOOD LORD
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: GOOD ONE
Mols::: (my mom has a copy)
Mols::: hehehe
Sue::: I have Xaivaria Hollenders book on PEENS
Mols::: Sparklepeen!
Sue::: NO MORE BODY GLITTER
Sue::: poor Edward
Mols::: I’ll say.
Sue::: Cavern think hotdog down a hallway
Sue::: TOO BIG for her moist wet tight sex
Sue::: how about BUMPIN UGLIES
Sue::: Or knocking boots
Sue::: or plain ol fucking
Sue::: we know the parts
Sue::: just describe it
Mols::: well, yeah… we need to come up with new terms or phrases
Mols::: cause I just don’t like the word pussy
Mols::: and i know a lot of hoors are turned off by the c word (not me. i like it more than pussy. Just like I like cock more than penis.)
Sue::: I like it better than pussy too
Sue::: and kitty is just silly
Sue::: and calling it a vajayjay
Sue::: reminds me of Taytay
Sue::: EWWWWW
Mols::: tatay the vajayjay!
Mols::: lmfao
Sue::: I thought you would like that
Mols::: We’re NOT Team Jacob up in this hizza!
Sue::: NOOOOO
Sue::: Team eddikins
Mols::: Team Fuckhawtward for the WIN!
Sue::: YESSSSSSS
Sue::: team daddy.i.would.do.him.anytime.anywhere.ward
Sue::: Ministrations is next on the list
Sue::: I can’t remember who told me this
Sue::: I have seen it many times
Mols::: I don’t remember ever reading it.
Sue::: I kinda skip over it myself
Mols::: but hey.
Sue::: but it annoys a few people
Mols::: he finger fucked her to hell and back.
Sue::: I mean there have GOT to be other words to describe getting fingerfucked
Sue::: we both wrote the same thing at the same time!!
Sue::: LOL
Mols::: (we’re really cracking ourselves up here…)
Sue::: We think we’re very funny
Mols::: It’s not way up there on my list, but Sue added it. I commented.
Sue::: It’s not way up on my list either but hey it annoyed someone !
Mols::: I do know something that kinda goes along these lines that drives me a little manic…
Mols::: “He played me like an instrument.”
Sue::: OH YESSSSS
Sue::: GOOD GOD
Sue::: That is so irritating
Sue::: I dated a guitar player
Sue::: he was NOT that good
Mols::: Yeah, his fingers are fucking you whilst playing “chopsticks” on yer g-spot.
Mols::: Yeah fucking right.
Sue::: DOES NOT CUT IT FOR ME
Mols::: hahaha
Sue::: either
Sue::: OK we agree NO Chopin
Mols::: Or piano or violin or anything whilst the fingers are fuckin’ the vajajay.
Sue::: OUCH violin on the vayjayjay would HURT
Mols::: I wasn’t talkin’ about the bow,
Mols::: fetishhoor
Mols::: freak
Sue::: I guess the piano would be better than say a steel guitar!
Sue::: that slide would chafe
Mols::: Jeff Healey the vajayjay is NOT.
Sue::: (Sue::: is laughing so fucking hard right now she cant breathe!)
Mols::: Mols is too
Sue::: STRAWBERRIES AND FREESIA
Mols::: Strawberries.
Sue::: and freesia
Mols::: fuckin’ strawberries.
Sue::: and fucking freesia
Mols::: V and Suave are the last fucking companies to make Strawberry shampoo
Sue::: what the fuck is a freesia
Mols::: I guess Bella’s a broke bitch if she can’t afford some Paul Mitchell so she doesn’t smell like gawd damned strawberries.
Sue::: hubs says so long as a chick does not smell like a nursing home resident tuna or BO all’s good
Sue::: hubs ain’t picky
Sue::: LOL
Sue::: suave
Mols::: But shit. Expand that shit. There ARE other scents out there.
Sue::: YESSS
Mols::: Patchouli
Mols::: hahaha
Mols::: Dirty hippy
Mols::: I lurve it
Mols::: that’s just me, tho
Mols::: I’m an earthy bitch
Sue::: I personally prefer Polo
Sue::: on my dudes
Mols::: blech
Sue::: or that chocolate Axe shit
Mols::: Escape
Mols::: or Very Sexy by VS
Mols::: that shit rawks
Sue::: OHHHH
Mols::: So, I guess that’s it for our little rant on the Most Over-Used Twilight cliches in fic.
Sue::: Works for me
Mols::: It’s definitely been fun
Sue::: I think we have had enough picking on our friends the authors
Sue::: I have had a blast
Sue::: I LOVE MY FICS
Mols::: We always have a blast.
Sue::: but I do stop reading IF fics overuse or abuse these things
Sue::: it is like the ILY being said every other sentence
Sue::: TOOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING IS BAD!!!
Sue::: BUT if it fits
Sue::: it fits!!!
Mols::: But seriously, gals & guy(s)… Be creative. There’s nothing that turns me on more to a fic than creativity.
Sue::: so do not do it for the sake of it being Twilighty
Mols::: It does get a little old.
Sue::: YES look to the greats!!
Sue::: like MsKathy
Sue::: OR
Sue::: Tby789
Mols::: Don’t forget TaraSueMe!!!
Sue::::: HOW the Hell did I forget TaraSueMe!!
Mols::: You’ve read it once, you’ve read it three trillion gazillion times.
Sue::: THAT is when it gets boring if it’s overused
Sue::: WE LOVE YOU AUTHORS!!!
Mols::: Infuckingdeed
Mols::: We love our fic
Sue::: thanks for entertaining US!!
Sue::: WE LOVE OUR FIC
Mols::: This is not a bash fic rant
Sue::: NO NOT AT ALL
Sue::: more like an instruction
Sue::: in what your fans like and enjoy
Mols::: this is us bitching about the shit that ALL of us get irked over.
Sue::: a guide
Sue::: if you will
Sue::: for those who do not read as much as us
Sue::: very few read as much as me
Mols::: Sue::: & Mols::: will rarely steer you in the wrong direction.
Sue::: I schedule my life around my updates!
Sue::: THATS RIGHT
Sue::: we comb through the crap
Sue::: to give you the best
Mols::: (that’s cause she’s a kept hoor)
Sue::: YUP I gots the time

AND so you do not have to scan ANY further down in this blog here are the RESULTS!!!

THE WINNER IS

ALICE IS A PIXIE

OK let me start off by saying, simply this: I do not know if I can be funny with this post. I will do my darndest to lighten things up, because this particular story covers some pretty serious shit

THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY WARNING !!!

HOORS

DO NOT READ THIS FIC IF YOU ARE UPSET BY THE CONCEPT OF RAPE

YES

There is a rape in this story. HOWEVER, the rape is NOT the biggest part of the story. It is a small part of the story, AND it is vital to the plot of the story, and FITS with the characters their motivations and all that jazz…

SO WHY?? SUE ,WHY would uber PC Sue recommend a fic in which Edward rapes Bella ??

It is not for the pervy reason.

It is because this story is that damn good!!!

THIS Edward is an Edward you can hate and you do not feel like shit about it (So far). This Edward reminds me of the bad guy in Charmed. You remember he was the cute one!! Played the Devil, or something evil FUCKHAWT but still evil yeah…..(picturing fuckhawt evil guy right now give me a moment…ahhhh)

I personally feel that this particular fic has gotten a really bad wrap and I cannot let that happen!!!

NOPE, not on my watch!!! This is a good fic that can be enjoyed outside of the one small teeny tiny non PC portion of it…

DOES THAT MEAN THIS FIC IS FOR EVERYONE??

HELL NO!! Were you not paying attention to the Theme of Week??

OK, let me try to stop bullshitting, and maybe actually explain myself.

Things I like about this fic

1) Lee is upfront about there being rape in this story. That shit does not just sneak up on you. It is right there, top of the page you read this:
Warning: Rape is involved in one of the later chapters. It is not physically violent; it is more about one person’s absolute control over the other. But it is still rape so if this topic offends you, please stay away.

Myself, I find that damn awesome it warns you up front, no bullshit.

2) When she depicts this rape it is from the victims (Bella) POV. YUP inside Bella’s noggin. Now shocking as this may sound, I have read more than FF (IKR!!)…This depiction is well thought out, and goes with everything (I’ve read) that victims feel during a rape. Bella separates herself mentally from the actions. She FEELS guilty about her bodies responses. She rationalizes, AND SHE HATES HIM…YOU READ THAT RIGHT!!! Bella does NOT fall for him !! (yet)

(brave shit there LEE, BB thanks for that!)

3) This story is a mystery right from the first chapter. Seriously, you have no IDEA (at least I didn’t) WHY she is being kidnapped. WHY she is being taken. WHO IS SHE that she is so important??

SO SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT ( I totes know this is too late, but tough shit!! It is my schtick and I am NOT gonna let THIS one get swiped!)

Bella, a teacher, living alone gets kidnapped by a mob guy (you all do know that I dig the Mob right cause GoodFellas is like my guilty pleasure movie. I got this thing for Ray Liotta and ….OK OK I will get back on topic) Edward, is the Mob guy who kidnaps her along with his gang his thugs.

The thugs beat her, because she put up a fight. So, she is unconscious when she is taken.
She wakes up in a room she does not know…. after some healing time (it is unknown at first how long that takes).

She finds out she is being held against her will, and she has a choice. Be treated as a guest, or a captive..AS a guest, she has to eat dinner with Edward every evening. She basically has the run of the house (with the exception of a few rooms) she cannot have contact with the outside world…

WHY is she being held captive? WHY was she taken?

Her estranged father is also a gangster boss guy, enemy of Edward

Confused yet??

WELL I AM NOT!!! I READ IT !!!

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sorry, could not resist.

SO LET’s allow Lee to tell me more and answer my questions !!

Where did you get the idea for this story?

Hmmm, it’s a combination of many things:

- My perverted mind that craves a very bad and hurt and cryptic and damaged Edward.

- My obsession with The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Howard Roark, the main character, forces himself on Dominique Francon, a woman who by no means is either weak or dumb; and the relationship develops into a very deep and passionate affair that goes beyond just that. Anyway, I always wondered if it were possible to begin a relationship in such a manner and have it grow from there. I seriously doubted I could pull it of, maybe I still do…

- Now, I originally wrote a draft of the story with a very different actor in mind and then let it dust in my laptop files. The GQ pictures of Robert Pattinson made me dug it up and rewrite it. BUT, I never intended to use RP as the character, he is too goofy and sweet and nervous, he could never have the cool demeanor needed in any respectable gangster. I have to agree with you there I do not see Rob as this bad gangster dude I see someone else entirely …. (Sue thinking now about bad dude from Charmed…whatshisname??..who cares…)

What was your inspiration?

I guess I’ve sort of answered in the previous question, but whenever I need further inspiration? I go to ROBsessed and drool for a while, that always gets the creative *ahem* juices flowing. AHHHH yes looking at the Robporn definitely gets the ..”creative” juices flowing

Is there anything you would want readers to know specifically?

The many references from Federico Garcia Lorca’s poetry, it’s a key factor for everything, I think. How Bella feels for Edward, both the longing and the pain and the unknown, her escape, her love for poetry and the fact that they share a love for his poetry in general. That book of poetry is very meaningful.

Why should readers read your story?
Now, that I really can’t answer. I wrote if for myself, and I posted it because I wanted to make sure I was not an absolute freak who needed to check herself into the cuckoo’s house. (If you cuckoo then so is Sue I do not know if you want to take that as a glowing reference or not…) Besides, what’s the point in keeping at writing if no one will ever read it? But I never expected the response I’ve gotten, it is so much more than I ever would have imagined or wished.

BTW just so you know I am not fond of your Edward right now I hope he does something to redeem himself!! I am curious about his motives for things but I cant really ask about that much.

I know this is not a question, but I really wanted to comment on this. Not liking Edward is part of the point of the story. I know it doesn’t make much sense, and that’s why I never considered him as the main character or writing from his point of view. He IS a pretty scary guy, and so it would be close to impossible to relate to him the way we can somehow relate to Bella.

He kidnaps Bella and almost has her killed in the process, he then holds her in his house against her will, rapes her and was apparently planning on killing her all along… he is no prince in shining armor. I guess that’s another exercise in writing I wanted to take on: how far can I go with a character without completely loosing my audience or his soul? Does he redeem himself? I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to tell me that in a couple of chapters. But he is not 100% bad, that much I can tell you, and I do hope that just like Bella, the reader can find it in themselves to eventually forgive him. He’s had it tough, I think that much is evident by chapter 11, agree?I do agree that he has at least earned some benefit of the doubt after chapter 11 his motives are more clear now and he does not look PURE evil it is now easier to ..not necessarily LIKE him but understand him

(thanks for doing this really!)

Seriously? It’s me who should thank you! As to why you’d like to interview me is beyond me

Lee hon Seriously WHY Rape? I know you have a reason and did not throw that in there just for the sake of having it be there can you tell us WHY this is integral to your plot or do we have to wait for that info to be revealed?

All right, I’ll answer as best as I can. It’s integral to the plot because otherwise, seriously, it would have been too easy for Bella to fall in love with Edward. The brutal way in which she was captured and the rape makes it oh-so-very-hard. Also, there are a couple of other semi-reasons:

1. I wanted a dangerous Edward, a REALLY dangerous Edward, someone who is very much walking the dark side.

2. I like redemption, I do. I loved the fact that Bella, the real character from the books, was always able to look past the fact that these creatures were vampires and had each done their fair deal of horrible things, and STILL love them.

3. Again, The Fountainhead… yep, he forced himself on Dominique, how is it possible that it is still kinda hot? I can see why she would pursue him, perverted as I may be, I do.

Now, in case you are wondering, I did NOT do it just for the sake of being controversial. Had I wanted to just piss people off, I would not have given as many warnings as I did. I get so many reviews saying “well that wasn’t so bad, I expected much worse from your avalanche of warnings”, and I’m glad I seem to be scaring off the people I may offend. Really, that is not my intention.

I BTW loved the way you treated it in here as the violent atrocious act that it is

It’s important that the reader does not forget how terrible Edward can be, and it is also important to remember that rape is rape is rape. This IS fantasy, I seriously doubt any sane relationship could develop from a situation like this. Also, this is why I needed the characters to not be ‘normal’, or at least not have a ‘normal’ upbringing. It’s the kind of situation one might actually see happening among creatures of the under-world.

Was it Edwards Motive to fall for her and get her to fall for him or was that a screw up?

The screw up was the fact that he’s always been in love with her… I think. That’s where his plan went astray. Now, did he want for her to fall in love with him? Maybe not as far as love, but crave him, grow obsessed with him.

WILL we see EPOV soon?

EVERYONE begs for an EPOV, it is only a handful of readers that beg me NOT to do it. I never for a second considered writing this from his pov. Can you imagine his thoughts before he rapes her? While? After might actually be enlightening, but everything else would just make everyone hate him, and there is no way they would ever forgive him, I think. His mind is too twisted with pain, the whole thing from his pov would just be hell. Now, every day I grow more fond of the idea of an epilogue from his pov. A short one, but still.

Lastly, I don’t even think I have the talent to write him well! It would take a certain amount of skill to have such a horrible main character and have the reader still relate and sympathize with him. I couldn’t do it.

Do you believe in HEA?

If you want a one word answer, the answer is: no. Now, don’t throw anything sharp at me just yet. Let me explain. I don’t believe in HEA in the sense that I don’t believe anything could ever, or should ever, be perfect. I do believe in ying and yang, and so for one person to experience happiness, they have to experience pain. Yes, sorry, I do believe that. Will my characters live happily ever after, fuck no! But they will find great joy in many things…so no puppies kittens and Rainbows WOOOOHOOO thanks!

Does Bella really love him or is this a Stockholm Syndrome thing I mean he had her for like 4 months!

Have you ever had a dog? I know, I’m not trying to insult either dogs or humans, but how long did it take you to grow attached to it? A day? A week? Given the opportunity, you can grow attached to anyone, you don’t need Stockholm Syndrome for that. And in very canon fashion to the Edward / Bella dynamic, they are meant for each other, lock them up in the same house for a certain period of time, and they’ll end up looking at each other with doe eyes.

Now, the rational part of the brain is more difficult to convince, Bella needs to fight these feelings for a while, she owes it to herself, her sanity and her pride. And so does Edward, how can he love someone that came from the person he hates the most?

If you see throughout the story, these two have a great deal in common: they love reading and poetry, they love music, horse back riding, good food, culture… wow, they are kind of snobs, aren’t they? Told you- meant for each other. Had they met under ‘normal’ circumstances, they would have hit it off right away. That perhaps is what keeps this from being a solely SS relationship.

OH and A Q from another long time fan Molls

Will he attack her (BTW this was consensual sex) at the table again THAT shit was HAWT!!

LOL! You have NO idea how much I want these two to have sex again. That is one thing they are awesome at! Sex will come (pun intended), but Edward needs to mend first…

________________________________________

DAYUMMM!!!

NOW Lee does not think she is funny and while I KNOW she can be. We are again talking about some seriously unfunny stuff….

HOWEVER, LEE is an extremely intelligent woman who writes her well thought out story with grace. SO IF you, like me, can overlook a violent act which is NOT meant in any way to be anything about love cause it is not (and remember like drugs and slavery IT HAPPENS IRL no laws seem able to stop it!).

I loved interviewing Lee she is awesome funny fun to chat with I feel like I made me a new friend!! And I need all the hoors I can get!!

SO GIVE IT A CHANCE!!!  Love it, hate it, whatever, drop me or Lee a line!! We would LOVE to hear from you. ALSO remember if you hate it be CONSTRUCTIVE not hateful authors get really persnickety when people start pouring on the haterade SO don’t.

_________________________________________

OK
NOW
ONTO THE POLL

We are having TONS of fun with that thing I tells you! and are getting LOADS of votes
The POLLS WILL CLOSE…
Thursday MIDNIGHT central time

SO vote vote vote!!!!

THE lovely fantastical Molls and I got great plans for our Bullshitting session for Friday

AND I am already thinking for next week.
I am leaning towards one of two directions:

Tattwards…OR Period Fics …I loves the period Fics

but Tattwards are SOOOOO HAWT

It’s a tossup really.

(*tap*tap* Uh…Sue…it’s at the bottom of the post)

It is an important poll which will be thoroughly analyzed by me and the illustrious Molls on Friday …..tons of fun to lighten up the week

SO as I have said before

Vote Early
Vote often
BRING YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Choose the most annoying, overused Twilight Cliche

REMEMBER this is a SERVICE to our friends, the authors who entertain us, Those fantastic people who take time out of their lives to write stuff so I get a numb ass The lovely ladies (and a few dudes) who write their fingernails off just so I sit and say I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!

We want them to learn moderation in using those cute phrases that so many use ……

So pick your favorite !!! or least favorite I do not care just VOTE

Poll open till Friday when I get around to closing it!!

OK So this week is going to be uncomfortable fic week

Fics that make some uncomfortable because of their topic. It is my job ( I wish!) to enlighten those who might skip these stories because of rumors or the topic

I know, I know! SUE, get to the damn point!

I AM BITCHES SO CALM DOWN

Our first story this week is

Emancipation Proclamation

I know I saw the title and was like WTF?? then I read the description and was ..put off by it ..I mean SLAVERY !

WOAH

I like period fics, but SLAVERY ummm nope! Even I am too PC to want to read a fic about slaves.

So I read her board over at Twilighted a bit because I am dedicated like that !

I found out a few things:

• The time period is 2005

WHAT ??? I got all confused, and those that know me realize that it does not take much to confuse me. That really threw me for a loop.
SOOOO I poured myself a cup of coffee to read more……(shhhhh Sue is reading here…)

THE story is not what I expected.
I hear slavery, and in my mind I see deep south(Think Gone with the Wind without all the pretty shit) around the time period of the civil war(war between the states for my southern friends )
WRONG

2005 was not when that happened!!! I remembered that much from high school history (Daddy would be so proud! he taught history!)

Instead I was greeted with a Bella who is a slave living in 2005 with her mother who…well that is getting into spoiler territory SO HERE is the Description :
“Edward grew up in a life of money, power, & respect. Isabella was born into slavery-has never known another way. Their worlds collide & neither will ever be the same again. Will he give her freedom? Can he bear to ever let her go? AU-H OOC *Set in 2005*”

In chatting with authors I have found that their minds work in stranger ways than even..MY mind… bizarre !!!!

So I read the damn thing. I was skeptical( I really fought this one) for a while…

TILL I MET EDDIE

WE ALL KNOW I got a thing for the different incarnations that are Edward and THIS Edward …WOW he is.. well

OK, if he knew I was calling him Eddie he would be so fucking pissed off that even a batch of my special brownies might not placate him (now THAT my friends is a RUN ON SENTENCE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!! Editors do not fuck with it I like it!!)

AND BELLA ,Ok you hear slave, you think weak right? WRONG !!! she might do what she has to to survive and while this young woman is ignorant (uneducated) she is smart witty learns quickly AND extremely strong. She will not let things ruin her spirit. She accepts her position in life however that does not put a damper on hope that someday something might happen to make things better for her… I was talking with a friend of mine (Lisa my spell check queen) She and I agree that a fic can have LOADS of angst SO LONG as it is balanced with hope .. even if things do not end up all sunshine and daisies fine life is not perfect …

ON WITH THE SHOW

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Bella, born into slavery living with her mom who is also a slave owned by her bio sperm donor small time gangster Charles ….
Bella is sheltered. I mean that in a bad way. She does not know much of the world at all, and does not know anything about men and how they behave outside of her owner Charles…

ENTER Carlisle who is a big deal mob boss. He wants Bella, I got freaked out and said EWWWWW But all is well really I SWEAR ! He does not want her like that so for a MOMENT will you hoors get your heads OUT of the gutter we will go back to our happy comfy dirty place soon!!

So Carlisle buys her to take to his home her job is simply to clean the house THAT IS IT
Carlisle assures her she will be safe so long as she follows the rules of the house he gives her a few very basic ones and that is it.

THIS does not mean that the rules he gives her are COMPLETE and that there is no agnsty goodness and tense problems at one point my inner mama bear wanted to throttle Carlisle. HOWEVER for deets on that folks you are just gonna have to READ THE STORY BWHAHAHAHAHA

They get back to the house and here is where she sees him

Edward - a beautiful asshole (at least that is how I see him. She does not see him that way OF COURSE!)

ANYWAYS (I am just killing time here waiting for my interview to show up!)

WHY do I like this story??

WELL I am gonna tell you a little secret
The slavery thing is still going on around the world SO even though it may not be PC for it to still be happening IT IS

much like drugs laws are not gonna stop it

OH HEY look who’s here!

Hi Jessi…WTF you promised me I would get to interview Edward!

Jessica(kharizzmatik): Sorry I told him but I guess he got held up somewhere.

Sue: likely story the little monster is avoiding me he must have heard I ask the hard hitting questions! Does he not know that is BAD to piss off SUE !
OH well Lets get started! I will ask my boring Questions that I ask everyone first then I will get down and dirty *grumbles I wanted to get down and dirty with Edward but NOOO little shit is late!*

Where did you get the idea for this story?
The basic plot has been rolling around in my head for a few years as an original story, but I’ve been suffering severe writers block on originals. So I adapted it to Twilight and decided to tinker around with it and of course it’s flowing out easily now. I’ve always had a fascination with mystery and the American mafia.

What was your inspiration?
Originally it was just the writer’s block that inspired me to start on it, as I didn’t intend to let anyone read it to start out with, just was writing it to try to get my brain flowing again. Certain elements were inspired by different events, like the Chicago Outfit inspired the mob parts.

Is there anything you would want readers to know specifically ?
I’d like them to know that although the story does cover some heavy and controversial topics, it is not and never will be a ‘rapefic’. There will never be any descriptions of any rapes, although sexual assault is brought up. I am a survivor of a violent rape when i was young, so I understand peoples hesitance when the subject matter is brought up, but there is ‘rumor’ around that this story is simply a rapefic that that isn’t so. I’d also like them to know that human trafficking/slavery and the mafia all really exist in reality, as some people seem to be unaware that those things are facts of life still.

Why should readers read your story?
I think people should read it because it has a deep plot, a tightly intertwined web that will slowly be untangled and exposed. It’s not something light for the casual reader, it’s full of mystery. I understand it’s not for everyone, because it contains sex and drugs and violence and slavery and other heavy topics, but I like to think I handle all of it with sensitivity and class.

OK Does Charlie have ANY redeeming qualities?
Charles doesn’t really have any redeeming qualities, unfortunately, unless you count the fact that Isabella didn’t die on his watch as one. Because of his harshness in the story, I can’t personally bring myself to call him ‘Charlie’ because I love me some Charlie Swan in Twilight.

Will we be seeing more of him? What about Renee? We’ll be seeing Phoenix again, so yes we’ll see both Charles and Renee later on.

Do you believe in HEA (please say yes please say yes!) Of course I believe in HEA’s This story has so many different ways it could be a HEA, though. One person’s HEA could be another persons heartfail.way to avoid girl, way to avoid! (Some people want her to stay with Edward, some people don’t). In my personal opinion, it’s as HEA as it can be. I believe people will be happy.

Sue: anyone besides me notice she did not give away shit but said a whole lotta of nothin with a whole lotta words I love that

So that is all I have for you did I hear a car pull up earlier? why is he out there waiting, pacing, bitching, pissing and moaning WHAT a drama queen !!

J:*ahem* Getting Edward so he can answer his questions forgive him, he’s a bit grumpy because of ff.net being down.

*grumble grumble maybe I will forgive him*
(Edward flops into a chair)

SUE: nice of you to decide to grace us with your presence (he nods arrogant ASS)Have you swiped anything from Bella’ room to remind you of her …lotion…a shirt…or something …

Edward: What the fuck do I look like to you, a goddamn pervert? Okay, don’t fucking answer that, because I guess maybe I am. I haven’t gone and intentionally swiped anything from her room because she’s always fucking with me so she’d probably find the shit, but she did leave one of her hair scrunchy fucking things in my room and I damn sure kept that shit. I thought about putting it on the gear shift in my car but realized that would be fucking gay and of course my dad would see the shit, so I just put it in my desk drawer, locked away with the liquor and weed.

SUE: I am happy for your reforming attitude, but really Edward Exposing Bella to 2nd hand Pot smoke so she will answer your questions! WTF are you thinking ! She is an INNOCENT!
The mommy in me wants to slap you upside the head for your behavior, and then sometimes you do something so sweet I just wanna bake you brownies…(probably not my SPECIAL brownies you would have to be a VERY good boy for those! and you are dedicated to Bella so plain Chocolate it is!)

Fuck man, special brownies sound nice. I wonder if I can get my Bella to bake those fuckers for me. I bet she would, if I asked her nicely. Thanks for the idea! haha

And give me a break, you know that shit was hott. it wasn’t like I had her snorting blow or anything, it’s just a fucking plant.

Do you think your Dad knows about you and Bella? heavens knows you have not been very ..subtle! and do you think he accepts it the way Aro does?

I don’t know man, I think he might’ve had some suspicions. But I’ve gotten A LOT fucking better at playing it off and shit. I’m confused honestly, I wanna think if he knew he would’ve fucking said something to me about it but knowing my father, there’s no goddamn clue what’s going on in his head. And if he does know, I doubt he’s accepting of it. He doesn’t like his little world being fucked with and complicated, and he made it clear that a relationship with Bella would be classified as ‘complicated’.

WHEN will you get it through your thick head that Bella wants to clean your room to show you her love it is all she can give you let her pick up your mess and THEN keep it neat damnit!

Christ, is it that big of a fucking deal? I know it needs cleaned but give me a break. I’ll let her do it eventually. Probably soon, considering it’s getting a bit out of hand now and I’m starting to lose shit.

This Question is from Gia
LONG time fan of my blog (like for the whole 15 days it has been up!)
Do you have any more football shirts you want to loan out? she wants one.

hmmm… so you want a shirt, eh? So what are you going to do for me to get one?

(Sue Snorts)knowing Gia like I do I bet she would do just about ANYTHING!

I’m fucking kidding. I’ve got more of them, but the only motherfucker wearing my shirt is my Bella Ragazza. Sorry Gia

AND FINALLY

mmm how to say this without getting you upset or embarrassed

SO Carpal Tunnel? As a Physical Therapist’s wife young man, I can tell you that if you are getting Carpal Tunnel from jacking off you are DOING IT WRONG. The repetitive stress injury from “normal” male masturbation is Tennis Elbow.

So Edward is your technique different than normal? I mean we know you beat it more than the average young man but, really now, if it hurts boy time to STOP !!!

you do not want to chafe!

HA! Fuck you! I’m not the goddamn doctor of the family, I don’t do diagnosing shit. And, okay, so I’ve been jacking off a lot, but I’m exaggerating about the effects. It wasn’t enough to fuck with my hand skills as a quarterback. But, it’s been a lot and I mean that shit. I’m talking, multiple times a day sometimes. My dick and I are very well acquainted, he’s getting pretty fucking lonely too.

__________________________________

WELL Thank you BOTH for the interview

IF you liked that INTERVIEW and loved chatting with Edward as much as I did then PLEASE go to The EM Proc board over at Twilighted.

She is planning on interviewing Edward and other characters from this fic they will actually answer YOUR questions !! I though that was REALLY FUCKING COOL!!!

SO go read this story!

NOW some announcements:

FIRST OFF We are only having 2 yes TWO fics this week cause I got something EXTRA special planned for Friday

ON that note I will tell you about it!
A poll will be posted tomorrow I am doing this as a ..service …so to speak to authors who spend tons of time entertaining us, but probably do NOT read as many fics as I do (very few people do)

WHAT is the POLL ABOUT??

I want you to vote FOR the TOP overused Twilight Cliches used in Fics

NOW!!!!

I have to say that EVERY story has a few of them and a FEW scattered here and there is CUTE
HOWEVER I swear if Edward Pinches the bridge of his damn nose again I may have to let Molls break his nose for us!!

FOR me THAT particular cliche is no where NEAR as annoying as …

POPPING THE P

SO you get the general idea I will have funny things (at least I think they are funny) written along side every cliches
Like they say in Chicago VOTE EARLY VOTE OFTEN!!!

Bring your friends!

IF you are lucky Molls and I might even amp up our bullshitting level here just for some Friday FUN!

That and I need to up the funny cause Wednesday’s fic might just scare off some readers.

I like it but as I said IT is NOT for all readers.

FOR Wednesday my dearies we are reading:

Lords of Gangland By Leecullen

AAANNNNNDDD

the description :
Edward Cullen is a hot, bad, gangsta fella who is a new kid in the Chicago underworld. But refusing to pay his respects to the big, ruling Godfather, his arrival is not welcomed. Bella is said Godfather’s estranged daughter who fled her father’s world in an attempt at a normal life.

Both men keep clashing and bumping heads, Edward’s power grows rapidly, men are tired of the old regime, and so a sort of gangster war ensues. Bella is caught in the mayhem when she becomes a prisoner in the hands of her father’s most hated enemy and rival. With Bella as a prisoner, Edward knows her father will have no choice but to do as he is told.

But does Edward have other motives to capture Bella?

hmmmm I read that when I saw it on the Twilighted boards and in my head I said PASS, NO THANKS.

WHYYYY??? Well ’cause I did not like the title. I thought, in my head of course, (ok ok those who know me realize I was actually talking OUT LOUD to myself like the crazed doofiss I am) “WHY the Fuck would I want to read something where sweet little Belliboo goes off and kidnaps Eddiekins??”

What kind of a twisted Fuck writes about Eddieboy getting kidnapped by Bella?

So I skipped it

and THEN I was skyping with my psycho friend Molls (you all probably know her as Anomaly and I probably spelled that wrong but you get the idea)

So, we are chatting and I was all down in the dumps from reading too many angsty fics our convo went something like this:

Molls: Hoor WTF is your problem?

Sue: I need some funny all this angst is driving me battier than normal

Molls: Read this BS:K

Sue: what the fuck ?? I do not wanna read about kidnappers I got enough of that shit on my list it is starting to creep me out

Molls: dingbat it is FUNNY not sad or angsty FUNNY

Sue: No fucking way

Molls: read it hoor

Sue: yes mommy

OK OK so that is probably not how the convo went. She and I swear a LOT more and call each other worse things than dingbat.

I am Molls’ Bitch.
She knows it.
I accept it.

I AM SO HAPPY I listened to Molls. I even went so far as to tell her she was RIGHT!!!

PUBLICLY

I know I was shocked too (oh wait, I told her she was right on Skype I told her publicly she was right about another fic)

BUT THAT IS NOT MY POINT I SWEAR

(you know I will get there!)

THAT is how I stumbled upon this tale of kidnapping. So this is how the fabulously funny Kambria describes her story:

Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.

AND this is a completed fic DONE ALL THE WAY TO THE END no waiting for you impatient folks who hate waiting for updates…..

What was your motivation for the story?(anyone else notice that I use the same Qs over and over and over again?? just curious I want better ones but I can’t come up with anything so for now these work!)
I just wanted Bella to do something crazy, and she needed a sidekick, so Leo was born (named after a teenage Mutant Ninja turtle GO FIG!!) I figured the story wouldn’t be complete without Edward, so one thing led to another and she was running off with his kids. I can’t explain how my mind works. It just gets away from me sometimes. Crazy fanfiction stories are the result.

Is there anything you want readers to know specifically?

Yes! A few people think that maybe the kids in this story are too smart for their ages. My sister-in-law would be offended. She has worked very hard to brainwash her children, and I have worked equally as hard to corrupt them.. The combination of the two give us Leo, Ethan, and Sophie. I am with you on this my kids outsmart me ALL the time

WHY should readers read your story?

Most of our favorite stories have a lot of heartbreak and angst, and some of us get really into them. When you get to the point where you’re bawling over a breakup or ready to throw your laptop through a window because of someone’s vicious version of Tanya, you can take a break and read Bella Swan: Kidnapper. It will give you a few laughs and some of those warm fuzzy feelings, and then you can face the drama again.
Do you have kids and if so how much money do you owe them for the swear jar?
I don’t have kids. I have an army of nieces and nephews. We have a pretty sweet deal. I teach them how to get out of certain troubles, and they don’t charge me when I let a swear word or two slip.

OK did any of these events really happen?

Yes! The things in this story that most people find unbelievable are the ones that I pulled from real life. Growing up, I did have a ball pit in the basement. Itching powder exists and it’s a pain in the ass. The fat ass horn was originally a dumb ass horn that my siblings and I had made for our oldest brother’s birthday.

I love your Edward and I want one is there a REAL life equivalent?

I’m looking for the real life equivalent. I’ve found one similar. He’s really good with kids, but he doesn’t have any of his own, so I’m going to kidnap his dog instead. I’ll let you know how that works out.

I know that authors picture their characters in their head. Do you have anyone special in mind for Edward Bella and the gang? I mean anyone we would recognize??

Hi All sorry this is a day late but I suck at technical stuff and my friend has a life with like responsibilities and shit SOOO here is the post I was supposed to get done for yesterday!

Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Wrigley Field!!!  Today is Fan Appreciation Day!  You have to read this blog entry to get your gift of a Cubward Bobble head doll!!  (it is truly disturbing but cracks Sue up! LOL)

Now, please rise as we join our Chicago Cubs in the singing of our National Anthem …….(and well you know how that goes and if you don’t well it is not really relevant!)

THE Fan! OMG! BASEBALL and a human Edward in tight pants! GUHHHHHHHH!

What yummy images those conjure up for me…but I happen to be a HUGE baseball fan.  Well, OK not HUGE, but I have MY team (The Milwaukee Brewers I am a home town girl!) and I grew up watching the sport.

THE GOOD news is this is a story that even a NON baseball fan can get into because the story does not focus around the game. It instead focuses on the developing possibility of a relationship between Edward and (DUH) Bella.

(SPOILER ALERT spoiler alert)

Bella is a baseball fan who is also a researcher at some company in Chicago.  She was originally from (DUH) Forks and is a recent transplant. MEANING she gets the whole Cubs White Sox rivalry but really could care less.  She has Cubs season tickets though through her friend Emmett.  She likes the sport of baseball, but she is biased against players because she has….a secret in her past.

Edward is a playa who also plays baseball!! (I have been waiting for DAYS to say that shit!! I crack myself up!) He does not date FANS.  Especially crazy ass fans who memorize stats and shit.

GUESS WHAT BELLA DOES

YUP she memorizes stats and shit (awesome that crap never did stick in my head).

Of course, there is attraction, but there is something holding them back …something from thier past.

OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I know right!

So this story is fluffy with minimal angst.  The relationship between Bella and Edward is so cool to listen to!!! Ol Eddie boy is stuck in his head fighting with himself, but he really fucking cares for her you know??  And Bella is so wound up and it all is just COOL AS HELL.

THEY PLAY EACH OTHERS WINGMAN at the bars! OMG!  When I went out to bars all I had was my nasty attitude to hold off dudes not some hawt guy coming up sucking on my neck and wrapping his arms around me!!  Fabulous!

Yes, they kiss before they get into a real relationship.  They like to tease each other this way cause so far neither has the cahones to man up and say “Dude, I like you, let’s bone!” (OK OK so Bella would NEVER say that in a story perhaps this is why no one has based a Bella on ME ).

OK, I will shut up now and we can hear from the illustrious Pears!!

Thank you for joining me today here at …The BLOG

What was your inspiration for this story? As a girl I was a huge baseball fan and had quite a few crushes on some mlb players. I had read a few fanfics where there was a baseball player in them, but never Edward and since I love a man in a baseball uniform, I wanted a story where he wore one. So I decided to write one.

What do you want fans of The Fan to know about this?I would like them to know that they don’t have to fret too much about Jane or Jacob – seriously! Well, okay, you can fret about Jane, but honestly, she does not negatively impact Edward and Bella’s relationship too much – promise.

OH and here is my big one
AS a huge fan of baseball I want to know WHY you choose The Cubs I mean come on WHY NOT the Brewers! everyone knows the Brew Crew is fantabulous! I know I do (hometown girl here ) (I already know your answer to this I just wanted to mention how fantabulous the brew crew is) Since Edward’s family was originally from Chicago, I liked the idea of a human Edward still living in there. Also, I live in the Chicago suburbs, so it is easier for me to know the area a little better than say, Seattle, which I don’t know much about. I chose the Cubs over the White Sox because I just like Wrigley Field and the Cubs’ pinstripe uniforms! I’m actually a Red Sox fan, so there’s no love affair on my part with the Cubs, though my husband is a fan.

OK WHY a baseball fic ?? Is it just because you want to see Eddie boy and the gang in those little pants? As I said before, I wanted to read about Edward as a baseball player and since I couldn’t fine a fanfic that had that senario, I came up with one. And yes, I did want to vision him in a baseball uniform – pants worn down to the ankles!

Thank you Pears!!

OK NOW, I also have a small warning from some of my fellow reading obsessed friends.

They said that the first chapter starts out kinda slow (I just think they like to  give me shit cause I really dig this fic). SO, I will simply say:

Read it for yourself come to your own conclusions.  But by all means, love it, hate it: LEAVE A REVIEW!   And of course comment on my damn blog I mean seriously people 4 freaking comments!! COME ON!!

This is why I would not write FF cause I am a feedback HOOR and I would get all beligerant and shit.

OH that and I can’t fucking write.

SO AS PROMISED I have here for the first 10,000 fans a Lovely BOBBLHEAD doll made for you from the loveing hands of that beautiful lucky hoor Stephanie (Sparkly_says)

ISNT THAT THE FUNNIEST DAMN THING???

I was looking at it and GIGGLING my ass off for like 2 hours when she made it for me.

OH! OH! OH!  And so I do not forget, cause if I do, she will kick my virtual ass.

THIS is the button that will soon grace signatures ALL OVER THE INTERNET WHY??  Cause it will link suckers…I mean fans to my blog to listen to me talk about bullshit and FF.   HOW COOL IS THIS

(Use this code in the forums: [url=http://sytycw.wordpress.com][img]http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3536/3789379269_8689c512e5_o.gif[/img][/url] )

Sue laughed her ass off reading this thing to it just makes me all giddy inside!!

What can I say? I have VERY talented friends!! (who are good at multitasking)

OK, SO MORE NEWS…

Our next fic on my rave list is Bella Swan:Kidnapper.  If you have not read this fic DEEEWW EETT!

AND COMING SOON, details on a little one shot contest that the fabulous Molls and I are hosting..if she and I can ever get our collective shit together Molls has a good excuse you see she is gainfully employed while I am merely a kept woman but eventually we will get it all dealt with.